Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A couple years ago, a friend of mine had her first baby and it brought back a flood of memories for me. Every child is exciting and special, but that first one brings such an incredible change. After my friend’s baby was born (mine were about 7 and 5) I was overcome with longings for another child. I suddenly felt sad that my own kids were getting so independent and I desperately wanted a little one to cuddle.

This was unusual for me, so I didn’t rush to my husband and make demands. I knew this was probably just a reaction to events and not a true desire. So, I prayed about it.

I was out walking one morning (enjoying the freedom that comes with having the youngest child in kindergarten) and God showed me what was really happening in my heart. I was in mourning. I was mourning the loss of a life stage.

We go through many stages or seasons in our lives. Each stage demands change. With change comes loss. The old season dies away and the new season takes its place. It’s often full of great new opportunities, but it can still be frightening to let go of the past.

I remember feeling this same sadness when I started graduate school. In college I had been “guitar-playing-chapel-going” Karen. In grad school, no one knew me in this way. I was suddenly “geography-class-teaching-and-non-beer-drinking-Karen.” I mourned the loss of who I had been until I came to appreciate the person I was becoming.

So, this longing for another child was just fear of losing what I had been? The Mom of tiny babies was now the Mom of school-age children. What would that look like? What would that mean? Did God have something new in store for me?

Over a year later, I am delighted with where I am. I am making steps toward a new career as a writer. I am enjoying watching my children become more independent. I’m feeling great about life.

I still get that sickening fear sometimes. Last week on my youngest child’s seventh birthday I started doing the math. She is a third of the way until 21. Halfway to being 14. That’s scary stuff. What will it be like when they leave the nest?

Just as there are life stages now behind me, there are even more ahead. Each time I enter a new one, I will need to force my eyes back on Him. I do not need to mourn. I do not need to fear. I need to trust in the plans that He has set out for me.